11 Jul When the Past Does Not Weigh the Same for Everyone
When the Past Does Not Weigh the Same for Everyone: Restorative Practices, Abuse Between Minors and Family Wounds
There are family conflicts that do not disappear with the passage of time. There are also situations that, without necessarily having been forgotten or resolved, occupy a different place in the life of each person who experienced them.
This is one of the most complex issues we may encounter in the field of restorative practices and restorative justice. What happens when many years have passed since serious events occurred? What happens when the people involved, who were minors at the time, are now adults? And what happens when it is the parents, and not necessarily the children directly affected, who feel the need to return to the past, talk about what happened and try to repair its consequences?
There is no simple answer. Precisely for this reason, before beginning any intervention, it is important to listen, understand the current needs of the people involved and ask ourselves what the problem we are actually seeking to address is.
The Series Pubertat and the Restorative Approach
The series Pubertat, created and directed by Leticia Dolera, has helped bring to the wider public some reflections related to sexual assaults between adolescents, responsibility, harm, families and the community.
The story takes place within the setting of a castellers group, which is profoundly affected by a report of sexual assault involving several adolescents. Beyond the specific events portrayed in the fictional story, one of the most interesting aspects of the series is that it invites us to look beyond the traditional dichotomy between perpetrators and victims.
The restorative approach leads us to ask questions that go beyond determining who guilty and what punishment is they deserve. We seek to understand what happened, who was affected, what consequences the events had, what responsibilities exist and whether some form of reparation is possible. It also requires us to reflect on the role that families and, in certain situations, the community itself can play.
These questions form part of the approach proposed by restorative practices.
What Are Restorative Practices?
Restorative practices are a way of addressing conflicts and harm that focuses on people, relationships, responsibilities and the needs arising from what has happened.
From this perspective, it is not simply a matter of asking who did something wrong and what consequences their conduct should have. The approach is broadened in an attempt to understand what happened, who was affected, what needs exist at the present time, what responsibilities can be assumed and what might be done, where possible, to repair the consequences of the harm caused.
This way of addressing conflict situations can be particularly valuable in certain family, educational, community and relational conflicts.
However, it is important to remember one fundamental point: restorative practices are not appropriate for every situation and should not be initiated simply because harm occurred in the past.
What Happens When Many Years Have Passed?
Let us imagine a family situation in which serious events occur between siblings during childhood or adolescence. Over the years, these events come to light and the family seeks professional help. What happened is discussed, apologies are made, some form of reparation is attempted and professional interventions take place.
Then the years pass. Many years.
Those children and adolescents are now adults. They have built their own lives, had partners, children, careers, difficulties, successes and failures. Some may live hundreds or thousands of kilometres away. Family relationships continue to exist, but perhaps they no longer have the same intensity they had decades earlier.
At a certain point, one of the parents may wonder whether it would be necessary to talk again about what happened, whether something more could still be done or whether an intervention based on restorative practices might be possible.
The question is entirely legitimate. But before trying to answer it, I believe another, even more important question needs to be asked: who really needs this intervention?
When the Need for Reparation Belongs to the Parents
This is one of the least discussed aspects when we talk about restorative justice and restorative practices.
Sometimes, the people directly involved in past events have moved on with their lives. This does not necessarily mean that they have forgotten what happened, that the harm did not exist or that everything has been resolved. It may simply mean that, at that particular point in their lives, they do not feel the need to talk about the events again or to participate in any new intervention.
Parents, however, may continue to ask themselves many questions. They may wonder what they did wrong, whether they could have acted differently, whether they protected their children sufficiently, whether the professional intervention carried out at the time was appropriate or whether they could still do something to repair what they believe they were unable to resolve at the time.
These questions can remain with a person for many years and generate feelings of concern, responsibility or guilt.
This is where a particularly delicate issue arises: the parents’ need for reparation is not necessarily the children’s need to participate in a restorative process.
This difference is essential and should be explored with great care before any action is promoted.
The Risk of Interpretative Biases
When we look back, we all interpret the past from the perspective of the present.
A father or mother may observe that their children have little contact with one another, that one lives far away, that another is experiencing personal difficulties, that family gatherings are infrequent or that the family is no longer as close as it once was. Faced with this reality, they may reach the conclusion that the current situation is a direct consequence of what happened many years ago.
Perhaps such a connection exists. But perhaps it does not.
This is one of the possible interpretative biases that should be explored before beginning any intervention.
Over the years, children grow up and build their own lives. They form relationships, have children, develop different professional careers and, in some cases, move to another city or country. Relationships between siblings also evolve and may become less close without this necessarily being the consequence of unresolved trauma or a family conflict requiring professional intervention.
A certain degree of family dispersion, less frequent contact or less intense relationships may simply form part of the evolution of many families.
For this reason, before attributing a current family situation to events that occurred decades ago, it is necessary to ask whether we have sufficient grounds to establish such a connection.
The Danger of Wanting to Repair What Others Are Not Asking to Have Repaired
Restorative practices are based on an essential principle: voluntariness.
No one can be forced to participate in a restorative process. A person who has suffered harm has the right to participate if they believe that the process may help them, but they also have the right not to do so.
They have the right not to talk about what happened, not to meet anyone, not to give explanations, not to forgive and even to consider that they do not need any further intervention in relation to past events.
This reality raises a question that may feel uncomfortable, but which I consider important: nor can we assume that a person needs to be repaired simply because someone else believes that there is something still waiting to be repaired.
The desire to help may be sincere and well-intentioned. However, an inappropriate, premature or unwanted intervention can also have negative consequences.
For this reason, before acting, we need to listen. And we particularly need to listen to the people directly affected.
Restorative Justice Does Not Necessarily Mean Reconciliation
There is a relatively common misconception when restorative justice is discussed: the belief that the purpose of a restorative process is to achieve reconciliation between the people involved.
Not necessarily.
Reconciliation may or may not occur. People may decide to resume a relationship, transform it, establish new boundaries or conclude that the best decision is to maintain a certain distance.
The aim of a restorative intervention should not be to reconstruct a particular idea of family, to make siblings become close again or to return to a family situation that may now exist only in the memories or expectations of the parents.
The question should be a different one: what do the people involved need now?
First, We Need to Identify the Current Problem
Before beginning any restorative process, there is one question that I consider fundamental: what is the current problem we are seeking to address?
It is not the same for a person who has suffered harm to want to talk about it as it is for there to be a current conflict between siblings. Nor is it the same for a family to have communication difficulties, for parents to be concerned about the distance between their children, or for a father or mother to feel, after many years, that certain events from the past were never adequately resolved.
These are different situations and they will probably require different responses.
In some cases, a restorative intervention may be appropriate. In others, family mediation may be more suitable. In certain situations, psychological or therapeutic support may be more appropriate, while in others it may be sufficient to provide a space for reflection and listening.
It is also possible to conclude that the best intervention is not to intervene.
When Not Intervening Is Also a Professional Decision
We live in a society that often considers that every problem needs a solution, and every conflict requires an intervention.
However, professionals working in mediation, conflict management and restorative practices must also ask ourselves whether intervention is genuinely necessary, who is requesting it, for what purpose, what benefits it might provide and what risks it might involve.
In particularly sensitive situations, we must also consider whether, in attempting to repair an old harm, we might end up causing a new one.
Choosing not to begin a restorative process does not mean ignoring the past. It may simply mean respecting people’s decisions, their own pace and their needs.
And that is also part of professional responsibility.
When the Current Problem May Not Be the Problem of the Past
I believe this distinction is particularly important.
A family may consult a professional because of events that occurred many years ago. But this does not necessarily mean that those events are the problem that needs to be addressed today.
Perhaps the current problem is the parents’ concern for their adult children. Perhaps it is the emotional distance between family members. Perhaps it is the difficulty of accepting that the children have built independent lives. Perhaps there is a feeling of guilt or responsibility that has not been processed. Or perhaps someone simply needs to better understand what happened and what they can do now.
For this reason, one of the professional’s first tasks is to help distinguish between the events of the past, the consequences those events may have had and the needs that exist in the present.
Without this distinction, we risk trying to solve a problem that the people directly involved do not identify as such.
The Importance of Prior Preparation
A restorative practice does not necessarily begin by seating everyone involved around a table. In fact, in complex situations, this could be a premature decision.
First, it is necessary to listen, understand people’s needs, explore their expectations, identify possible risks, assess the voluntary participation of each person and determine whether the necessary conditions exist to move forward.
This preliminary phase may require individual interviews, spaces for reflection and, in certain cases, the coordinated involvement of professionals from different disciplines.
After this work, the conclusion may be that the necessary conditions exist to begin a restorative process. But it may also be that they do not.
Both conclusions can be professionally appropriate.
Time Does Not Affect Everyone in the Same Way
One of the great lessons offered by family conflicts is that time does not pass in the same way for everyone.
The same event can occupy a completely different place in the life of each person involved. For one person, it may remain an open wound. For another, a painful memory they have learned to live with. For a third, an issue they do not wish to revisit.
And for parents, events from the past may, over the years, become a source of questions, doubts, responsibilities and feelings that are difficult to manage.
Restorative practices can offer extraordinarily valuable tools for addressing complex situations. But perhaps the first restorative practice is precisely to listen before acting.
To listen to the person asking for help, the person who suffered the harm, the person who caused it and the families involved. And also to know how to respect silence.
Because reparation does not always mean returning to the past. Sometimes, reparation means understanding it. At other times, it means talking about it. And, on some occasions, it means respecting the fact that people have decided to continue moving forward.
Would You Like to Talk About Your Situation?
If you are facing a complex family situation, a conflict that has continued for a long time, or you are wondering whether family mediation or restorative practices may be appropriate ways of addressing it, you can contact me.
Every situation is different and needs to be listened to and assessed individually. Before beginning any intervention, it is important to understand what has happened, what the current needs of the people involved are and to carefully consider which approach may be the most appropriate.
As a lawyer and conflict mediator in Barcelona, with specialised training in mediation, conciliation, other appropriate means of dispute resolution and restorative practices, I can help you assess the situation and explore the possible ways of addressing it.
If you would like to tell me about your situation or arrange an initial consultation, you can contact me. Every situation deserves to be heard before deciding whether intervention is necessary and, if so, what the most appropriate approach may be.
Daniel Sererols Villalón
Lawyer and Conflict Mediator in Barcelona
Tel. 661 463 306
Email: daniel@mediadorconflictos.com
